Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
What do you call your father-in-law's only child's mother-in-law?
Mom.
Why do lions eat raw meat?
Because they never learn to cook.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the fox cross the road?
To get the chicken.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was on the chicken’s foot.
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove it was not a chicken.
Why did the weasel cross the road twice?
He was a double crosser.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts.
What goes up a chimney down, but won't go down a chimney up?
Ann umbrella.
What's black and white and red all over?
A zebra that doesn’t know how to put lipstick on.
What is the largest ant in the world?
An elephant.
How much is a skunk worth?
One scent.
What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.
Why did the cake like to play baseball?
Because it was a good batter.
What goes hahaha, plop?
Someone laughing their head off.
Why didn't the lady run away from the attacking lion?
They told her it was a maneating lion.
Why has no one ever spotted a leopard in Africa?
Because leopards are already born with spots.
What did the banana do when it heard the ice scream?
It split.
Swings by his thigh a thing most magical! Below the belt, beneath the folds of his clothes it hangs, a hole in its front end, stiff-set and stout, but swivels about. Levelling the head of this hanging instrument, its wielder hoists his hem above the knee: it is his will to fill a well-known hole that it fits fully when at full length. He has often filled it before. Now he fills it again.
a key
I'm the world's wonder, for I make women happy --a boon to the neighborhood, a bane to no one,
though I may perhaps prick the one who picks me. I am set well up, stand in a bed, have a roughish root. Rarely (though it happens) a churl's daughter more daring than the rest --and lovelier! --lays hold of me, and lays me in larder.
She learns soon enough, the curly-haired creature who clamps me so, of my meeting with her: moist is her eye!
an onion
A young man made for the corner where he knew she was standing; this strapping youth had come some way--with his own hands he whipped up her dress, and under her girdle (as she stood there) thrust something stiff, worked his will; they both shook. This fellow quickened: one moment he was forceful, a first rate servant, so strenuous that the next he was knocked up, quite blown by his exertion. Beneath the girdle a thing began to grow that upstanding men often think of, tenderly, and acquire.
dough
I'm told a certain something grows in its pouch, swells and stands up, lifts its covering. A proud bride grasped that boneless wonder, the daughter of a king covered that swollen thing with clothing.
a churn
A lovely woman, a lady, often locked me in a chest; at times she took me out with her fingers, and gave me to her lord and loyal master, just as he asked. Then he poked his head inside me, pushed it up until it fitted tightly. I, adorned, was bound to be filled with something rough if the loyal lord
could keep it up. Guess what I mean.
helmet
Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it.
Tell me what a dozen rubber trees with thirty boughs on each might be?
Months of the year
As I went over London Bridge I met my sister Jenny I broke her neck and drank her blood And left her standing empty.
Gin
It is said among my people that some things are improved by death. Tell me, what stinks while living, but in death, smells good?
Pig
All right. Riddle me this: what goes through the door without pinching itself? What sits on the stove without burning itself? What sits on the table and is not ashamed?
the Sun
What work is it that the faster you work, the longer it is before you're done, and the slower you work, the sooner you're finished?
roasting meat on a spit
Whilst I was engaged in sitting I spied the dead carrying the living.
a ship
I know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be.
'few'
I give you a group of three. One is sitting down, and will never get up. The second eats as much as is given to him, yet is always hungry. The third goes away and never returns.
stove, fire, and smoke
Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it wants it not.
counterfeit money
Two words, my answer is only two words. To keep me, you must give me. Solution your word Sir, I bear a rhyme excelling In mystic force and magic spelling Celestial sprites elucidate All my own striving can't relate
Pi (digits given by length of words)
There is not wind enough to twirl That one red leaf, nearest of its clan, Which dances as often as dance it can.
the sun, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Half-way up the hill, I see thee at last Lying beneath me with thy sounds and sights -- A city in the twilight, dim and vast, With smoking roofs, soft bells, and gleaming lights.
the past, Longfellow